Some chosen chapters from the Velvet Paw of Asquith novels, the infamous international jet-setting adventures of Oscar Teabag-Dooven, which involve greed, espionage and the odd foray into professional cheese-shaping.

Medicine should heal, not tear people apart.Cantar Ethanual Holt, professor of anatomy at a prestigious medical school, is fighting to reclaim a lost surgical career. But when his wife's cancer returns, his hopes are shattered.At the same time, Richmond Merchison-Banks, an arrogant but brilliant medical student, is humiliated into repeating after Cantar is forced to fail him.When both men become infatuated with second year medical student, Livia Bravanovski, they're...

Medicine should heal, not tear people apart.Cantar Ethanual Holt, professor of anatomy at a prestigious medical school, is fighting to reclaim a lost surgical career. But when his wife’s cancer returns, his hopes are shattered.At the same time, Richmond Merchison-Banks, an arrogant but brilliant medical student, is humiliated into repeating after Cantar is forced to fail him.When both men become infatuated with second year medical student, Livia Bravanovski, they’re...

“Coleshanger people are pretty bad,” said Uncle Edward. “They won’t cross water after sunset. And they have to be in bed by midnight, otherwise they think that they'll be turned into baboons and apes. They also worship the flea.”Written in 1952, Coleshanger is a humorous, whimsical and charming recount of English village life in the early part of the last century, a tale waiting seventy years to be heard, but still very much the story of us today.

Follow a man barely deserving of the title as he flails through a turgid cesspit of human depravity, only to discover that he’s the one bunging up its U-bend. Wrongly Writing has even more psychiatrists, anaphylaxis and cringing social ineptitude than the first Wrong Book, and proves that while editors exist for a reason, the author clearly doesn’t.Similar to The Bible, in that Jesus is mentioned over twenty times, and entirely dissimilar to Médard Alard's 1922 masterpiece, "Est-ce...

When the worst writer in history self-publishes his books, the world of literature is decimated overnight. Illiteracy becomes something to aspire to and book burnings become rife. The publishing industry is left hemorrhaging credibility and teeters on the brink of collapse. Its recovery is not a matter of removing said books, or even destroying them: the same must be done to the mind responsible. Thomas Corfield is the worst writer who’s ever lived, but because of the rubbish he’s written,...

Oscar was supposed to deliver a poetry recital, not the apocalypse.Oscar Teabag-Dooven, former Velvet Paw of Asquith and occasional poet, is ready to leave the chaos behind. Having faced tendony beasts, collapsing palaces, poetic terrorists and exploding pastries, he'd much prefer foccussing on the opening night of his theatrical debut. Unfortunately, the world has other ideas.With monstrous, skinless creatures tearing across kingdoms and the sinister Ar'da...

Hotel Scenes from the Velvet Paw of Asquith novels, the infamous international jet-setting adventures of Oscar Teabag-Dooven, which involve greed, espionage and the odd foray into professional cheese-shaping

Reality is breaking, verse is to blame, and Oscar Teabag-Dooven is absolutely the wrong cat to fix it.Oscar never meant to get tangled in a plot involving forbidden vaults, exploding cafés and an ex-poet turned reality-warping megalomaniac. But here he is, paws-deep in syllables and sabotage, trying to stop a transformation that could obliterate everything.Joined by Tabby Miss Cakes, an insane librarian who punches everyone in the face, they become the most...

When the worst writer in history self-publishes his books, the world of literature is decimated overnight. Illiteracy becomes something to aspire to and book burnings become rife. The publishing industry is left hemorrhaging credibility and verges on collapse. But its recovery not a matter of removing said books, or even destroying them, the same must be done to the mind responsible.Thomas may be the worst writer to have ever lived, but if he’s not careful, he won’t be doing much o...

The world is broken. They're still trying to fix it. Or at least survive it.The city of Liebe is gone and Oscar presumed dead. With Tabby Miss Cakes adrift in a crumbling realm of myth and memory, she's not sure what's real anymore—or if anything ever was.When Oscar reappears, inexplicably alive, the two stumble into a bizarrely wholesome world where people sand horses, kindness is weaponised and no one seems to notice the sky is falling.That's beca...

In which Oscar battles a misguided echelon of authoritative animals to save a beautiful city from certain destruction.